is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
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There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
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Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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