Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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