I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
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Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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