dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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