Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
