You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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