the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
