Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize