After last night, I could never be a politician.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
