You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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