Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
