u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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