Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
