I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
