My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
