Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My first STD was from a foam party
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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