Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
