Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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