woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
