I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
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I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
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There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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