I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
