Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We left the knife in your bed.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
