I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Let's paint friendship bongs
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize