Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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