You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
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i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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