I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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