Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
