woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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