the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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