Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
