just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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