Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
