so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
