Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
