you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
