if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
