guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
