My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
