my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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