You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
And then he peed in my hair
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