final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
