New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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