Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
