You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
