Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Come see our sink grown plant.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
They have beer where we have blood.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
