I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
