he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
