you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
