i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
