Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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