Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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