I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
